Why do awkward things always happen to me?

Have you ever walk into a situation and you walk in oblivious to what is going to happen next, you walk in thinking everything is going to be normal and fine and then in a moment everything changes and it is mass chaos. I suspect it would be the same thing as being mugged. I was mugged. Except it was for a job interview. I walked into the interview prepared and I then I was mugged of my preparation and now I am left standing on  a street corner wondering what the fuck just happened. (figurative street corner not actual street corner, although if I don’t find a new job soon that is where I might end up)

Group interviews.  Have you ever partaken in a group interview? I applaud you if you haven’t. It was a horrible life experience that I never want to deal with again. If you don’t know what a group interview is it’s where they shove a group of candidates in a room and interview you all, like, at once.

30 girls where put into a room, sitting there, silently judging every one that walked in, waiting and wondering what the fuck was going on. I know I wasn’t the only one doing this, I’ve seen Mean Girls, I know what’s up.

Dr. Perv,  that we are interviewing for walks in, with his daughter (who I assumed was the double for the girl from The ring) and says

“Don’t worry, the biggest group interview I did was 119.” 

Is that suppose to be reassuring? It wasn’t. See if it was 119, I could have slipped out the back and bypassed this whole mess of a situation. 30 women in one room, I can’t sneak out, I am stuck. 

Then it starts, queen of the bitches starts the interview, ten minutes early, even though 4 fucking more candidates where still not there (she doesn’t like late people, good thing I have a fear of being late). She asks if everyone has a pen and paper. I have never in my life gone to a job interview with a pen and paper, I know they told me to in my college prep course, but let’s be realistic, I am applying for a shitty office job, not something of substance, you ask the questions, I give you a generic, well thought out answer, no pen and paper necessary, a list of skills and weaknesses that I can cleverly spin to seem like positives. My first mistakes, the fucking pen and paper, I raised my hand and said I didn’t have one, I should have asked to use the bathroom and bolted, I didn’t do that though, and that was my second mistake. How in a room full of 30 girls am I the only one who missed the memo about the fucking pen and paper. I hope girlfriend doesn’t feel the same way about pens and paper as she does late people.

I get my pen and paper and I am so confused as to what is going on, but lesson one from Mean Girls, don’t show any signs of weakness. They kill you if you show signs of weakness. So then queen bitch starts asking questions, I am suppose to write down my answers, you’ve all read this blog, if you could say one thing about my blog (besides me being hilarious) is that I can’t fucking spell, at all, you look past it and continue to read because you know

1)      I am hilarious, and

2)      It makes you feel better about yourself

 I was blind and partially deaf till grade 3, that gives me an out on all things spelling and telling time related. My first therapist said it would be okay and computers would just do spell check for me eventually and I could go back and participate in show and tell again. Little did that therapist know I’d have a group fucking interview where I had to write down my answers.  

So I write and I write and I write and by the last question I know that this is hopeless and I should just go get a cheese burger and go the fuck back to my shitty office job. I stopped caring, I just started writing down answers that don’t make sense

 

“Please tell us why you would be an excellent candidate for this job” – I am not. I didn’t have a pen and paper.

 She asks us to add anything that they may want to know at the end and I refrain from drawing a diagram to politely show her how to go fuck herself. I move on to part two of this “job interview,” a test. A personality test, an attention to detail test and some other test involving math that I didn’t want to do. Girlfriend beside me whips through her test faster than I can eat a whole pizza before anyone gets home to notice and that just increases my test anxiety. But I finish and we sit there, all 30 of us, in this awkward silence, then Dr.Perv,  walks out and walks up and down looking at every girl like she is some kind of meat at the super market and he’s deciding what he wants to have for dinner. Never in my life have I been so uncomfortable and I ran naked across a football field while 90 percent of my high school watched and I was in the paper where most of my town saw my ass on the front page, this was still a million times MORE uncomfortable. I would rather go to thy gyno than go through that shit again. So he walks...back and forth...back and forth...back and forth then disappears into his backroom again. He does this again, I’m starting to wonder if he is going to start throwing loonies at us because it’s just as degrading at this point.

 He asks three girls to stay back and the rest of us can go, this whole situation has left me stunned and maybe appreciating my slightly less perverted boss. At least where I work the men discreetly check you out. I just want to know how and why awkward situation always happen to me, what have I done to always be put into the most awkward situations. I don't deal with them well, I make inappropriate jokes, I make weird faces, and always, always do the absolutely worst things that doesn't help defuse the awkwardness.